1 00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,389 - ♪ My words are lazy ♪ 2 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,307 ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 3 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,436 ♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 4 00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,064 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 5 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,817 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 6 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:35,994 - All right. 7 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,997 We have come to the final unit here in health class... 8 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,749 sexual education. 9 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,667 Now, this is mature subject matter, 10 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,503 and I expect you all to handle it with maturity 11 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,130 like the young adults you are becoming. 12 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,882 - I'm scared, Teddy. 13 00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,551 What if he shows us a diagram of a vagina and I get a boner? 14 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,738 - Hey, you're getting a boner before this class ends, buddy. 15 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,573 The sooner you wrap your head around that, the better. 16 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:59,184 - Sexual intercourse is a physical expression 17 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,687 of love and affection that is perfectly natural 18 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:03,980 and often deadly. 19 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,608 Sexually transmitted diseases include 20 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:09,486 gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia, 21 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:12,113 HPV, hepatitis A through C... 22 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:15,408 - ♪ JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? ♪ 23 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:17,994 - Ted, knock it off! 24 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,080 See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. 25 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,791 To avoid sexually transmitted disease, 26 00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,418 it is important to practice safe sex. 27 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:29,756 Now, who can tell me what the safest sex of all is? 28 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,259 No one? 29 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,427 Masturbation. 30 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,137 - Hey, if you're gonna assign homework, 31 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:37,448 Johnny already did it this morning. 32 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,616 - Hey, shut the fuck up, dude! 33 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,392 - He's doing extra credit. - Be quiet! 34 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,893 - Stop it! - Oh! 35 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,746 - You keep that up, you're headed for detention, mister. 36 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:47,315 Now, why is it important to practice safe sex? 37 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:51,111 Well, it all begins with biology. 38 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,862 - Aw, here we go. - Let's start 39 00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:56,950 with the female reproductive system. 40 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,243 - Oh, no. 41 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,286 - Holy shit. That's fast, even for you. 42 00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,416 - Well, I'm glad that's over, huh? 43 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,960 - I know, that was like sex ed for babies. 44 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,044 - What? 45 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,355 - I mean, you're really gonna talk 46 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,548 about masturbation and leave out edging? 47 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:13,466 - Seriously. He didn't even talk about 48 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,469 how massaging the prostate increases orgasm intensity. 49 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,072 - Did you see how when I brought up rimming, 50 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,723 he flipped to the glossary? 51 00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:21,391 Wait, you t... 52 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,143 you two have had sex? 53 00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:24,310 No. 54 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,979 I'm felching my own jizz. 55 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,689 Pfft! Duh, we're 16. 56 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:28,732 - When? With who? 57 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,525 - A few weeks ago, with each other. 58 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,211 - We didn't want to be the last ones in school 59 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,278 to lose our virginity. 60 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:34,320 Oh, yeah. 61 00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:35,822 No. Right, of course. 62 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,490 How... how lame would that be, right? 63 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,659 - Wow, I didn't even know you two guys were dating. 64 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,119 Andrew, I thought you were gay. 65 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,579 - I don't know. Might be. 66 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,497 I just know I'm not a fucking loser. 67 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,708 - You're so confident. I love it. 68 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,293 - Let's go to the computer room. 69 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,920 We can do it on the Oregon Trail. 70 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,673 - Holy shit, Teddy, do you know what this means? 71 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,550 I'm the last virgin in school. 72 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:56,760 - What about Ben Carness? 73 00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,154 - No, he slept with his math teacher. 74 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,512 That's why she got fired. 75 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,407 - I thought she got fired for giving him angel dust. 76 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,071 - Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade. 77 00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,100 - Oh. Oh, wow... 78 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:05,411 oh, yeah, well, then that's a mess. 79 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,354 - Anyway, dude, this is serious. 80 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,956 I need to hurry up and have sex with somebody 81 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,815 before people find out and I'm humiliated. 82 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,776 - You're right. We gotta find a buyer. 83 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:14,027 Fresh penis! 84 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,153 Get your fresh penis here! 85 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,529 - Ted, Jesus Christ! 86 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,531 - This penis used to belong to a little old lady 87 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,075 who only fucked it on Sundays! 88 00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:21,493 Still has that new penis smell! 89 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,619 - Will you shut up? 90 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,162 - All right, I'm just trying to help. 91 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,003 - Okay, what about Talia? 92 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,381 - Talia Winthrop is not having sex with you. 93 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:35,548 - Hey, you don't know that. 94 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,270 - You ever seen the guys she dates, Johnny? 95 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,510 They're brooding degenerates. 96 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,053 They paint their nails. 97 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,114 Is that what you want to do? You want to paint your nails? 98 00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:43,390 - I could paint my nails. 99 00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:44,909 - Oh, ok... oh, you want to be nail-painting guy? 100 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,102 Okay, get ready to never be funny. 101 00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,311 No more jokes. 102 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,705 You never get to make a joke again. 103 00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:50,605 - Why not? 104 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,357 - Nail-paint guy is very serious. 105 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,733 If you're on a cruise and you spot 106 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,568 the captain bringing a lady passenger 107 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,195 back to his cabin, what do you say? 108 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,547 - Well, you say, "Thar she blows." 109 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,240 - No, you don't. You say, "Good for them." 110 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:03,076 You say, "Everyone deserves love in this fucked-up world," 111 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,327 'cause you got painted nails. 112 00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:05,971 - Wait, can I... can I say, "Shiver me timbers"? 113 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:07,330 - No, you cannot. No jokes. 114 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,456 Only finger colors. 115 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,584 Oh, hey, Blaire. Hey, you think 116 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,270 one of your college friends would be willing 117 00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:14,838 to have sex with John? 118 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,232 Yeah, every lit major wants 119 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,299 to have sex with a teenager on his Star Wars sheets. 120 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,719 - Oh, and a bad relationship with her father is a plus. 121 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:21,904 You got any friends like that? 122 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,763 - Okay, why are you asking me this? 123 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,849 - 'Cause I'm the last virgin in my class. 124 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,118 - Come on, your friends are always 125 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:28,244 trying to do good in the world. 126 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,578 How about one of 'em takes a break 127 00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:31,438 from feeding the hungry to fuck the desperate? 128 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:33,440 - Yeah, no. I'm not helping you. 129 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:35,442 - God, I'm pathetic. 130 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,485 - Ah, come on. There's a lot of cool virgins. 131 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,779 The Flying Nun, 132 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,407 Richie Rich, 133 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,075 the Lincoln Memorial... 134 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:47,537 That yearbook. 135 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,330 - I've never had sex, 136 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:50,749 never had a girlfriend. 137 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,667 Fuck, I've never even kissed anybody. 138 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,336 - You kissed Michael Dukakis 139 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,646 at that parade when you were nine. 140 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,270 - Yeah, that doesn't count. He kissed me. 141 00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,050 - It was passionate enough that they ran it in the paper. 142 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,426 Look, don't worry, Johnny. 143 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,053 There's a lot of alleys in Boston. 144 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:04,763 One of them's gotta have a glory hole. 145 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,515 And if it doesn't, we're going to Worcester. 146 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,520 - Look at all these welfare queens. 147 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,564 See, tha-that's the problem with this country. 148 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,316 Everybody expects everything handed to them 149 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,318 on a silver platter. 150 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,527 - Hey, guys. 151 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:22,030 Um, can I talk to you about something? 152 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,323 - You want a tuna sandwich? 153 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,824 - No, I'm... I'm okay. 154 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,451 Um... 155 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:27,911 it's about John. 156 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:32,999 Uh, I think he might be on the verge of... 157 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,252 Well, I... I think he's interested 158 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,630 in becoming sexually active. 159 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,341 - What do you mean? 160 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:45,178 - Well, I don't really know how I can be clearer than that. 161 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,848 Um, have you guys ever talked to John a-about sex? 162 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,142 - Course not. He's only 16. 163 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,311 - Talking about sex is rude. 164 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,689 - So you're gonna rely on a gym teacher 165 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,565 and a horny teddy bear? 166 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,626 I mean, how do you expect him to learn 167 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,151 what he needs to know? 168 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,529 - When you get drafted, they show you a film. 169 00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:06,449 - Look, I get it can be an awkward conversation, 170 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:07,617 but it's really important. 171 00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:08,702 - Tony Randall was in it. 172 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,787 - You're absolutely right, Blaire. 173 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,706 You know what I'm gonna do? 174 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,583 I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth from "The Globe," 175 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,669 and I'll slide it under his door. 176 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,421 - Guys, there's nothing shameful 177 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:20,839 about human sexuality. 178 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,066 - You've never been in a strip club 179 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,175 when the lights come on. 180 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,720 And neither have I. 181 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,513 - Matty, this isn't a joke, okay? 182 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:29,889 He needs to know this stuff. 183 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,642 - Look, I-I'll talk to him when the time is right. 184 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:33,810 - And I'm telling you, 185 00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:36,146 as somebody who knows him really well, 186 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,647 it's the right time. 187 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,149 Okay, I think you're trying to avoid 188 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,400 an uncomfortable conversation, 189 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,235 and honestly, that's selfish of you. 190 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,320 - All I'm trying to do is eat my lunch here. 191 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,780 Jesus. 192 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,365 Your period coming in or something? 193 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,201 - I... what? 194 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,037 - Forget it. - Coming in? 195 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,747 Like it's my fucking adult teeth? 196 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,558 - Forget I brought it up. - Fuck, it sounds like 197 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,250 you need the talk, not him. 198 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,627 Do you have any idea how a period actually works? 199 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,046 - I know enough. 200 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,440 - No one's ever explained it to you, have they? 201 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:03,840 - I tried once, 202 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,301 but Matty said it was too close to the holidays. 203 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,011 - Oh, my God. Aunt Suze, 204 00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,888 think about your son, all right? 205 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,264 Don't you want John to grow up 206 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,266 to be a sexually healthy adult? 207 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:15,477 - Blaire, language. 208 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,354 - My parents never talked to me about sex. 209 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,148 I figured it all out on my own, and I'm doing just fine. 210 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,527 - We'll talk to John. 211 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,161 - Come in. 212 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,288 - John? 213 00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,623 - Yeah? 214 00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:37,832 - Are you alone? 215 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,250 - Yeah. Yeah, Teddy went 216 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,543 to the store to get Doritos. 217 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,921 - Oh, we have Doritos here at the house, honey. 218 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,131 - We do? - Oh, yeah, always. 219 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,883 - Oh, that's right. We're trash. 220 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,635 - John, your father and I, 221 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:52,597 we want to talk to you about something. 222 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,183 It's a private thing. 223 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,225 - What is it? 224 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,190 - John, 225 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:08,232 sometimes when two grown-ups are married, 226 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,157 and they're in a bed, 227 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,535 and it's nighttime, 228 00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:17,706 they get this funny feeling in their bathing suit areas. 229 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,499 - Jesus Christ, Susan! 230 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,583 It's like this, John. 231 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,127 Men and women have different parts, 232 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,587 and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder. 233 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:26,214 Just give the motor a minute to warm up. 234 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,008 If you gun it, you're gonna blow a gasket, 235 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,218 seize up, and you're looking at minimum a grand 236 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,261 for a new engine block. 237 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,179 That's sex. 238 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,597 Fuck me. 239 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,687 - John. 240 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:50,697 Someday, when you're older, 241 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:54,034 you're gonna have your first time, 242 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,703 and it should be special, honey. 243 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:57,912 - Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom. 244 00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:00,457 - I want it to be better than my first time. 245 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:01,416 - God, no, please don't... 246 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:04,044 - It was 1974. 247 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:07,130 And your father and I were staying at a Howard Johnson's 248 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:11,509 off the turnpike, and things were moving quickly, 249 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:15,388 when suddenly there was a news bulletin on the TV. 250 00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:18,183 Nixon had resigned. 251 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,811 Oh, your father, he was so distracted 252 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,772 and just so agitated and... 253 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,482 - Mom, really, you don't have to do this. 254 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,151 - I tried to get him back into bed, but he wouldn't. 255 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,403 He was too upset. He just kept yelling, 256 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:33,406 "The hippies have won! The hippies have won! 257 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,076 They've won! They've won!" 258 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,121 I hope this helped. 259 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,967 Ugh. 260 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,928 This fucking resin's giving me a headache. 261 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,638 Can't you call your guy? 262 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,390 - Ah, my guy won't sell to me on Shabbat. 263 00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,431 - Ah, shit. 264 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,478 Teddy, what if I'm a virgin forever? 265 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,521 I mean, what do I do? 266 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,064 Look, 267 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,826 I know the glory hole thing didn't work out, 268 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,734 but at least we got to see the city. 269 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,194 We met that friendly homeless guy 270 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,154 who taught us a lesson and then died. 271 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:15,573 - Yeah, but I mean, like, what if this is my future? 272 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,051 - Well, if it is, you just gotta learn 273 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,952 to live with the embarrassment. 274 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,954 - Yeah, I mean, it could be worse. 275 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,997 I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat on his own balls 276 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,457 and had to go to the hospital. 277 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,167 - What? - Yeah. 278 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,961 Yeah. I mean, that's humiliation. 279 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,755 - Like... like, Mr. Belvedere from the TV show? 280 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,881 - Yeah. Yeah, man. 281 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,025 He was riding in a convertible 282 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,235 during the Hollywood Christmas parade, 283 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,428 fell backwards, crushed his own balls. 284 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,013 - Jesus. 285 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,933 Would you rather have that happen to you at a parade 286 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,186 or what happened to JFK happen to you at a parade? 287 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,646 - Oh, God, I honestly don't know. 288 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:47,999 - Yeah, that's a tough one, right? 289 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,250 - That's a really tough one. That's, like, one of 290 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,334 the hardest would-you-rathers I've ever heard. 291 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:51,502 - I know. That's, like, a brainteaser. 292 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:52,670 - God, I'm too high to think about that. 293 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,154 - Yeah, it's a tough one. 294 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,409 - Okay, all right, fuck this. 295 00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:00,994 We gotta get some real weed. 296 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,996 - Hey, what about Sheila Borgwardt? 297 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:04,265 - What, like, smoking-hot Sheila? 298 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,291 - Yeah, remember, she hooked us up before. 299 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,710 She sent us to that dealer who turned out to be Blaire. 300 00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,045 - Oh, yeah, that wasn't good. 301 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,422 - Well, it's just like Homeless Joe said. 302 00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:13,524 Be careful what you wish... 303 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:14,841 Agh, my heart. 304 00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,885 - Yeah. - Yeah, he died. 305 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,649 Oh. Hey. 306 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,692 - Hey. 307 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:33,860 Ted, right? 308 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:34,903 - Yeah, that's right. 309 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,863 Uh, hey, is your sister here? 310 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,823 - Uh, yeah. 311 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,326 Sheila, you got company! 312 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,494 See you later. 313 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,541 John? 314 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,001 - Oh. Hi, Bethany. 315 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,753 - Hi. How's it going? 316 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:52,962 - Uh, it's going good. 317 00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,673 My, uh... my teddy bear's upstairs 318 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:55,674 buying drugs from your sister. 319 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,217 - Ah, nice. 320 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,681 Wh... sex ed class was weird the other day. 321 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,057 - Oh, yeah, it was super weird. 322 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,642 - Yeah, I still can't get the image 323 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:08,853 of Mr. Maynard putting a condom on a banana out of my head. 324 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,355 - Oh, yeah, I know, right? Like... 325 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,357 like, can you imagine, like, being a banana, 326 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,026 and... and, like, you get picked, and then you get put on a boat, 327 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,295 and then you get put into the market, 328 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,363 and... and you're thinking the whole time, like, 329 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,408 oh, I hope I get to be made into, like, a cream pie 330 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,994 or, like, used as a phone for humor. 331 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,430 And then you're just sitting in our class, 332 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,289 pretending to be a dick. 333 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:30,792 - Well, I-I gotta go. 334 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:31,918 - Oh, okay, yeah, for sure. 335 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,020 - Yeah. - Yeah. Good to see you. 336 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,088 See you later. 337 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,524 - You promise this is just for you, right? 338 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,591 'Cause I don't want to get busted for enabling. 339 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,386 - Nope, just me and the rest of the guys in the doo-wop group. 340 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,930 Those guys need a buzz to feel the music, you know. 341 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,265 Me, I'm good when I'm straight. 342 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,808 That's why I'm always the one talking 343 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,101 to management about payment. 344 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:49,412 You know, anything logistic like that, 345 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,705 it always falls on my... - Yeah, yeah. 346 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:51,831 You looking for something mellow 347 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:52,939 or something more potent? 348 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,000 - Well, my last guy gave me 349 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,084 something that was pretty good. 350 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,526 It was called Confident Gorilla. 351 00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:58,278 You got any of that? - I don't think so, 352 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,740 but I just got this new batch called Heartbeat Fingers. 353 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,409 - Ah, yeah, no, that... no, tha-that doesn't sound so good. 354 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,410 Uh, uh, what else? 355 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,536 - Uh, let me look. 356 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,622 - So, Sheila, 357 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,042 no offense, but you ever think about doing something 358 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:14,544 about that god-awful name? 359 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,507 Got it. 360 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,592 - Oh, hell yeah. 361 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,968 - Yeah, by the way, just FYI, 362 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,970 Sheila is her dead mother's name, 363 00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,972 so we're not allowed to shop here anymore. 364 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,891 - Oh, man, Kafka Trip? 365 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,160 Isn't this the stuff that made me think 366 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:30,894 the Land O'Lakes lady was mad at me? 367 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,496 - Well, she only had a few other batches. 368 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,232 Uh, Heartbeat Fingers, Bathroom Mirror Reckoning, 369 00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,152 What Was That, and Why Won't The Pee Start. 370 00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:40,653 - Yikes. - All right, go on. 371 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,780 Put it in your bag. 372 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,156 - Hey! 373 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,200 Hey, we need that pot, you motherfucker! 374 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:50,955 Get off me! 375 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,878 - Jesus, nice save! 376 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,421 - Man, fuck that guy. 377 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,215 We should call the fucking cops. 378 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:03,301 - Yeah, maybe... maybe under the circumstances, no. 379 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,178 - Oh, my God! Are you okay? 380 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,639 - Oh, hey, Bethany. 381 00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,265 Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. 382 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:12,018 - I can't believe you did that. That was so cool! 383 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,812 - No, I was just reacting in the moment. 384 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,896 It's not that big a deal. 385 00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,023 - No, that took guts. 386 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,693 You're, like, kind of awesome. 387 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,671 - Well, you know, when you're addicted to a substance, 388 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,613 you can do anything you put your mind to. 389 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:27,534 - I have swim practice tomorrow afternoon, 390 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:33,164 but after that, would you maybe want to hang out? 391 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:36,876 Maybe see a movie or get food or whatever? 392 00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:39,796 - Yeah. Yeah, sure. 393 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:40,982 Want to pick me up at 7:00? 394 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,590 - Definitely. 395 00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,801 - Cool. 396 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,052 - See ya. 397 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,557 Holy shit, I got a date. 398 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,558 - A date? 399 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,059 Johnny, look at the big picture. 400 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,894 This is your chance to have sex. 401 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:55,937 - What, you think so? 402 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,230 - She called you "cool." 403 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,857 Chicks have sex with cool guys. 404 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,233 - Yeah. Yeah, maybe. 405 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,901 - Fuck "maybe." Trust me on this. 406 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,696 We are gonna make sure you don't blow this opportunity. 407 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,197 And I will guide you. 408 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,867 I will be... 409 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,744 Your Master Yoda. 410 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:11,995 - I mean, I guess I could try. 411 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:14,247 - Screw or screw not. There is no try. 412 00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:15,915 Now, let's get you some exercise. 413 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,709 Run, Johnny, run! Run! 414 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,670 "Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force, 415 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,088 but beware the dark side." 416 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,382 I mean, unless she says it's okay. 417 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,143 - Are we sure about this? 418 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,370 - Look, you gotta have condoms 419 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:37,812 locked and loaded on your date. 420 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,356 When you get... well, you know, 421 00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:41,816 maybe not loaded, obviously, but you gotta be ready. 422 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,985 - There's a lot of options. I don't know what to pick. 423 00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:46,696 - Well, which one speaks to you? 424 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,198 - Maybe these? 425 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,657 "Ribbed for her pleasure"? 426 00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:51,785 - Good choice. And you want to know a trick? 427 00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:54,788 You turn it inside out and steal the pleasure. 428 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,039 - You can do that? 429 00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,141 - Oh, yeah, she'll be like, 430 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,416 where's the pleasure? 431 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,543 And you'll be like, uh, uh, uh, I don't know. 432 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,545 Uh, I didn't know there was any pleasure. 433 00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,881 - Can I help you young men pick out a condom? 434 00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:06,466 - Uh, no. 435 00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,385 Act-actually, we were... we were just leaving. 436 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,761 - Oh, please don't go. 437 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,554 One of the joys of my job is pairing 438 00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,306 the right young man with the right condom. 439 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,392 - Oh, that's... normal. 440 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,560 - Well, I don't really know what I want. 441 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,187 - Well, tell me about the girl. 442 00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,898 - Um, she's got medium brown hair, 443 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,108 average height. 444 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,776 I-I think she might be on the swim team. 445 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,695 - I see. Jewish? 446 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,113 - I don't think so. 447 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,115 - Well, that rules these out. 448 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,533 What about community activism? 449 00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:32,867 Does she do any charity work? 450 00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:35,120 - I... I honestly don't know. 451 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,289 - Why don't you try a Ramses? 452 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,334 Sturdy, solid, made for all kinds of weather, 453 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,628 can withstand over 300 pounds of torque. 454 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,047 - Oh, Johnny, how many pounds of torque were you gonna do? 455 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,841 - Uh, thank you. 456 00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:49,193 - I just want to say, I've been watching 457 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,427 you shop here for years. 458 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,429 I've been waiting for this day. 459 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:55,890 Frankly, I thought it would come a little sooner, but... 460 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,434 Congratulations. 461 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,185 - I need an adult! I need an adult! 462 00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,496 - It's okay. It's all right, Johnny. 463 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,706 It's all right. Look, uh, here you go, buddy. 464 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:02,689 Keep the extra. 465 00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:03,982 - Hey! You! 466 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,316 Get away from that kid! 467 00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,570 Now, how can I help you? 468 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,952 - Okay, now, I'm gonna time you on this. 469 00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,203 - This feels weird. 470 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,997 - Look, you have trouble taking off her bra, 471 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,141 she's gonna know you're a virgin. 472 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,249 - Shit, really? 473 00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,208 - Trust me, all right? 474 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,710 Now take it off. 475 00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:25,795 - Okay. 476 00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,047 What are you doing? 477 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,149 - Well, I'm not gonna make it easy for you. 478 00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,132 You gotta work for it. 479 00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:30,508 - Jesus. 480 00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,304 Jesus Christ, Teddy, just let me do the clasp. 481 00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:35,680 - Oh, no, you gotta earn it. 482 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,016 All right, now let's pretend you're a randy executive 483 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,684 and I'm your secretary. Go. 484 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,145 Mr. Bennett, Mr. Bennett, control yourself! 485 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,814 For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett, you're a married man! 486 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,107 - Teddy, come on! 487 00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,484 - Who's Teddy? I'm Debra. 488 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,361 I just moved to the big city 489 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,963 with nothing but a suitcase full of dreams 490 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,073 and an associate's degree from Katharine Gibbs. 491 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,908 - Uh, hi. 492 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,618 What the hell are you doing in my bra? 493 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:59,120 - The question is, what am I stilldoing in your bra. 494 00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:00,830 Johnny? 495 00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:02,624 - I've got a date with Bethany Borgwardt, 496 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,167 and I'm... 497 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,002 I'm practicing in case we have sex. 498 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:08,505 - Practicing what? 499 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,382 - I want her to think I'm experienced, 500 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,258 you know, like I've done it a lot. 501 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,635 - Okay. 502 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:16,680 Well, I do have some thoughts on the topic. 503 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,683 Uh, one, whoever this girl is, 504 00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:20,993 she's not gonna want to have sex with you 505 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:22,662 if she thinks that's all you're interested in. 506 00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:25,980 And two, she's definitely not gonna be into it if she thinks 507 00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,583 you've been sleeping around with other girls. 508 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,367 - Wait, so I can't want to have sex with her? 509 00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,694 - No, you just... 510 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,737 eh, you can't want it too much, you know? 511 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,240 - Okay, well, what's the right amount to want it? 512 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,741 - Just be yourself. 513 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:37,659 Okay? 514 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,993 The rest will happen naturally. 515 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,371 - Yeah, if I may count it, John has been himself 516 00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:44,833 for 16 years and raked in exactly zero vagina. 517 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,876 Am I getting that number right, John, zero? 518 00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,545 - Yeah, yeah, zero. 519 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,505 I think... 520 00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,007 I think I'm gonna do it Ted's way. 521 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,759 - That is a very self-destructive sentence. 522 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,053 - Blaire, please, you're disrupting a teachable moment. 523 00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:58,221 - Fuck it. 524 00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,222 Whatever, I tried. 525 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,724 Just give me my bra back. 526 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,854 - Now you know! 527 00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691 - Teddy, we're missing something here. 528 00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:10,817 - What? 529 00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,420 - How am I even supposed to get to the sex 530 00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,029 if she doesn't have a good time? 531 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,114 I mean, I haven't even planned the fucking date. 532 00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,699 - Johnny, you are gonna take her 533 00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,576 on the best date of her life. 534 00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:20,744 - What do you mean? How? 535 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,454 - Your teddy bear's got you covered. 536 00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,419 Hey, Bethany. 537 00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,212 This is for you. 538 00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:32,714 - Ted? 539 00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:33,590 What's this? 540 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,592 - Your attire for the evening. 541 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,219 - Wh... I-I'm wearing my outfit for the evening. 542 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,220 Where's John? 543 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,347 - He awaits you 544 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,557 on your flying carpet. 545 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,661 - Oh, John, I-I can't believe you did this. 546 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,081 - Yeah, well, it's our first date. 547 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,500 I wanted to make it special. 548 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,878 - I have sort of a confession to make. 549 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,380 - What is it? 550 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,090 - I still haven't seen "Aladdin." 551 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,467 - Aw, man. Are you serious? 552 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,236 I thought, like, every girl loved that movie. 553 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,679 - My friends love it. 554 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,931 I have kind of weird taste in movies. 555 00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:24,349 - Like what? 556 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,451 - It's kind of embarrassing. 557 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,976 - No, you gotta tell me now. 558 00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:30,772 - Well, there's this really good bad movie 559 00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,149 from the early '80s called "Flash Gordon." 560 00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:35,402 - No fuckin' way! 561 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,545 - You've seen "Flash Gordon"? 562 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,946 - Oh, only, like, a thousand times! 563 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,465 Of course. It's my favorite fucking movie. 564 00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:40,675 - You're just saying that. - No, no, no. 565 00:20:40,699 --> 00:20:43,034 "Who are you? Flash Gordon. 566 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,452 Quarterback, New York Jets." 567 00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:47,038 - I love that! And when Princess Aura's like, 568 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,290 "Father! Damn you, Father!" 569 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:51,543 - Oh, man, is that a four-pack-a-day voice or what? 570 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,420 - Dude, those lungs are working overtime. 571 00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:54,897 - Oh, and when Prince Vultan is like, 572 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,340 "That must be one hell of a planet you men come from." 573 00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,341 And Flash says.. 574 00:20:58,383 --> 00:20:59,884 "Not too bad." 575 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:00,927 - Oh, my God. 576 00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:02,637 Holy shit. 577 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,348 I have never met a girl who liked that movie. 578 00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,809 - Well, now you have. 579 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,231 - Oh, shit! 580 00:21:14,357 --> 00:21:15,358 - Ah! 581 00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:21,364 - Oh, my God! 582 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:23,241 Jesus Christ, are you guys okay? 583 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,701 - I think so. 584 00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:26,161 - Johnny, Johnny, you all right? 585 00:21:26,202 --> 00:21:27,287 Talk to me! 586 00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,914 - Teddy? 587 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,041 Did I sex? 588 00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,500 - You sure did, buddy. 589 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:34,127 You sexed real good. 590 00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:35,879 You sexed real good. 591 00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,555 - You know, you're lucky you weren't more hurt. 592 00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:46,890 How are you feeling now? 593 00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:48,850 - Not too bad, actually. My arm is a little... 594 00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:50,018 - No, him. 595 00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:51,102 - Oh, right, yeah. 596 00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:52,228 - I'm okay. 597 00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:54,230 Uh, you know, it doesn't hurt that much. 598 00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:57,067 Uh, doctor, I-I really have no idea how this happened. 599 00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:59,152 You know, we were both sitting inside the car, 600 00:21:59,194 --> 00:22:00,487 and we had our seatbelts on, 601 00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:01,863 you know, as is required by law... 602 00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,324 - Son, this isn't my first night in the ER. 603 00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:06,159 I saw the carpet burns. 604 00:22:06,201 --> 00:22:09,412 I know when kids have been "A Whole New World-ing." 605 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:11,039 I curse the day that movie came out. 606 00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:13,083 All right. You're gonna be okay. 607 00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,542 There's no concussion. 608 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,087 But I need you to get some rest for the next few days. 609 00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:18,421 And stay off cars. 610 00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,674 - Okay. Thanks. 611 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:27,222 - Listen, I'm... I'm sorry about tonight. 612 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:28,223 You know, it was stupid. 613 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:29,891 - No, it wasn't. 614 00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:32,727 It was romantic and thoughtful. 615 00:22:32,769 --> 00:22:34,104 - Wait, so you're not mad? 616 00:22:34,145 --> 00:22:35,397 - No. 617 00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:38,775 I like you... a lot. 618 00:22:38,817 --> 00:22:40,860 - Okay, well, do you maybe want to go 619 00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:42,404 on an inside-the-car date sometime? 620 00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:45,240 I have a better idea. 621 00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:47,867 I was supposed to go to the prom with Danny Hirsh, 622 00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:50,328 but his acne has reached a point 623 00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,330 where I need to take action. 624 00:22:52,372 --> 00:22:54,499 Would you maybe want to go? 625 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:55,792 - Yeah. 626 00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,127 Yeah, yeah, of course. 627 00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:59,129 - Cool. 628 00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:02,799 I'm actually kind of surprised you don't have a date already. 629 00:23:02,841 --> 00:23:05,010 Although I guess I haven't seen you 630 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,678 around school with a girlfriend. 631 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,347 - Oh, John's had lots of girlfriends. 632 00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:10,557 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 633 00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:12,017 Oh, yeah. You're looking at a guy 634 00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:14,477 with a whole lot of experience... 635 00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:15,687 with fucking. 636 00:23:15,729 --> 00:23:16,730 Right, Johnny? 637 00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,940 - Uh... uh, yeah. 638 00:23:18,982 --> 00:23:21,359 Yeah, I'm still sore from yesterday, you know? 639 00:23:21,401 --> 00:23:24,237 Yeah, a whole lot of... whole lot of pounds of torque. 640 00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:25,572 - Oh. - Trust me, 641 00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:27,574 this guy knows his way around a woman. 642 00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,051 You know what they call him at school? 643 00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,493 The Ladyboy. 644 00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:32,537 He's that seasoned. 645 00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,539 - Sorry, we need this room. 646 00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:37,083 We got another one. 647 00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:39,336 Goddamn movie. 648 00:23:42,630 --> 00:23:44,424 - Guess what? 649 00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:48,720 One of the eggs had two yolks. 650 00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:51,056 I can't wait to get invited to a party. 651 00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,515 I have small talk. 652 00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:56,019 - Well, you know, uh, Johnny also has some good news. 653 00:23:56,061 --> 00:23:57,937 - Aw, shut up, man. - No, no, no. 654 00:23:57,979 --> 00:24:00,065 No, no, no, we're doing this. I'm proud of you, man. 655 00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:02,859 Our boy has been invited to the prom. 656 00:24:02,901 --> 00:24:04,402 What? 657 00:24:04,444 --> 00:24:05,779 Are you serious? - Wait a minute. 658 00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:07,322 Wait a minute. Invited? 659 00:24:07,364 --> 00:24:08,656 She invited you? 660 00:24:08,698 --> 00:24:10,575 - Yeah. - See that, Susan? 661 00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,160 Still think the Clintons are harmless? 662 00:24:12,202 --> 00:24:14,042 - Times are changing, Matty. You gotta keep up. 663 00:24:14,079 --> 00:24:15,497 - Oh, John! 664 00:24:15,538 --> 00:24:18,500 I'm so happy for you. 665 00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:20,210 Who's the lucky girl? 666 00:24:20,251 --> 00:24:21,753 - Bethany Borgwardt. 667 00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:24,130 - Wait, the... the girl from the other night? 668 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:24,923 The one with the... 669 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,174 - The bra lady, yeah. 670 00:24:26,216 --> 00:24:28,468 Guess somebody gave him some good advice. 671 00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:31,680 - Well, I'm very surprised. 672 00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:34,808 Uh, I guess, good luck. 673 00:24:34,849 --> 00:24:36,559 - All right, I gotta go to work. 674 00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:37,686 I'll see you later. 675 00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:38,746 - Don't forget your lunch, honey. 676 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,816 Take the fruit out! 677 00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:44,526 I can't be seen at work with a plum! 678 00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:45,819 - Why? 679 00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,612 There's fiber in here, hon. 680 00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,781 You haven't made caca yet. 681 00:24:49,823 --> 00:24:51,676 - Hey, Blaire, you know, since Johnny's got a date, 682 00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:52,885 how about you and me go to the prom? 683 00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,536 - Yeah, no thanks. 684 00:24:54,577 --> 00:24:55,578 - Why not? 685 00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:56,830 - A high school prom? 686 00:24:56,871 --> 00:24:58,289 Been there, done that. 687 00:24:58,331 --> 00:24:59,791 No booze, no thanks. 688 00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,185 - Ah, come on. Don't leave me hanging! 689 00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:02,752 Johnny's gonna be off getting laid. 690 00:25:02,794 --> 00:25:03,712 I don't want to be stuck talking 691 00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:04,879 to a bunch of wiener bags. 692 00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:06,023 - Don't you think you're being 693 00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:07,632 a little overconfident about this? 694 00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:09,676 I mean, he just started dating this girl. 695 00:25:09,718 --> 00:25:10,802 - Yeah, but it's... 696 00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:12,095 it's going really good, Blaire. 697 00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:13,763 We had a great time on our first date. 698 00:25:13,805 --> 00:25:14,973 Even the hospital was fun. 699 00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:16,766 - Yeah, they're gonna fuck for sure. 700 00:25:16,808 --> 00:25:19,602 I mean, unless, you know, the timing's off. 701 00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:20,603 - What do you mean? 702 00:25:20,645 --> 00:25:21,980 - Well, I mean, you know, if... 703 00:25:22,022 --> 00:25:24,149 if she's gotta make her period. 704 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:25,900 - What? - You know, if it's 705 00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:27,193 that time of the week. 706 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,946 - Okay, so what? So what if she gets her period? 707 00:25:29,988 --> 00:25:31,948 - Well, like, you can't have sex then, right? 708 00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:34,200 Like, I heard that if you have sex 709 00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:35,785 while a girl's doing her period, 710 00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:38,079 then... then you could go back in time. 711 00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:40,665 - I think I just went back in time. 712 00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:42,334 Does any male in this house 713 00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:45,795 actually even fucking know how it works? 714 00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:48,631 Well, do you? 715 00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:50,050 - I-I do not. - I actually 716 00:25:50,091 --> 00:25:51,051 have no idea, no. - Yeah. 717 00:25:51,092 --> 00:25:52,218 - Yeah. - Ugh. Okay. 718 00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:53,887 - I actually was always kind of curious. 719 00:25:53,928 --> 00:25:55,638 - There's, like, a... a little tube, right? 720 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,098 - Yes, a tampon. 721 00:25:57,140 --> 00:25:58,516 - Oh, yeah, I know that word. 722 00:25:58,558 --> 00:26:00,226 - Is a crampon also something? 723 00:26:00,268 --> 00:26:02,062 - A crampon is used for rock climbing. 724 00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:03,688 It's got nothing to do with periods. 725 00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:04,814 - Oh. 726 00:26:04,856 --> 00:26:05,815 It's weird that it has the word 727 00:26:05,857 --> 00:26:06,876 "cramp" in there though, yeah? 728 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:08,276 - Two completely different things. 729 00:26:08,318 --> 00:26:09,503 - But you can see why I thought... 730 00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:10,588 - Okay, you want to make jokes, 731 00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:11,488 or you want to fucking learn something? 732 00:26:11,529 --> 00:26:12,822 - I wasn't making a joke! 733 00:26:12,864 --> 00:26:14,300 I didn't know about the rock climbing! God! 734 00:26:14,324 --> 00:26:15,533 - How's it work? 735 00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:16,826 Give me your best guess. 736 00:26:16,868 --> 00:26:19,537 - You put the tampon inside. 737 00:26:19,579 --> 00:26:21,581 - Genius, yes. How? 738 00:26:21,623 --> 00:26:23,166 - Y-you swallow it. 739 00:26:23,208 --> 00:26:27,087 - You use the applicator to insert it into the vagina, 740 00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:29,673 and then you remove the applicator by pulling it out. 741 00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:31,633 - And this happens all the time? 742 00:26:31,675 --> 00:26:33,134 - Once a month for just a few days. 743 00:26:33,176 --> 00:26:34,678 - Is it shorter in February? 744 00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:35,863 - You want to get fucking wet? 745 00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:37,327 - No, no, no. No, I'm good, I'm good. 746 00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:41,726 - Look, I know you guys think you're pretty smart. 747 00:26:41,768 --> 00:26:47,357 But maybe you're not as ready for sex as you think you are. 748 00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:54,406 - Hello? 749 00:26:54,447 --> 00:26:55,865 - John, it's Bethany. 750 00:26:55,907 --> 00:26:57,617 - Oh, hey, Bethany. 751 00:26:57,659 --> 00:26:59,720 Yeah, we were, uh... we were just talking about the prom. 752 00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:00,704 I'm really excited. 753 00:27:00,745 --> 00:27:02,080 What time should I pick you up? 754 00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:05,750 - Yeah, about that, I've been thinking, 755 00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:09,379 maybe it's better if we go separately. 756 00:27:09,421 --> 00:27:11,172 - Wait... wait, what? Why? 757 00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:14,342 - I just think you might be a little bit too, um, 758 00:27:14,384 --> 00:27:16,219 experienced for me. 759 00:27:16,261 --> 00:27:17,679 No, but... 760 00:27:17,721 --> 00:27:19,073 Come back to bed, Johnny! 761 00:27:19,097 --> 00:27:20,890 I'm one of your many satisfied 762 00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:22,118 - sexual partners! - Stop! 763 00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,059 - What? - He's gonna thank me. 764 00:27:23,101 --> 00:27:25,061 - No, he's not! - Shh! 765 00:27:25,103 --> 00:27:26,980 Hey, uh, can we talk about this? 766 00:27:27,022 --> 00:27:28,648 - I'm sure you've got lots of other girls 767 00:27:28,690 --> 00:27:29,983 who'd love to go with you. 768 00:27:30,025 --> 00:27:31,818 Maybe you ask one of them. 769 00:27:31,860 --> 00:27:33,278 Sorry. 770 00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,450 - She dumped me. 771 00:27:38,491 --> 00:27:39,868 - What? 772 00:27:39,909 --> 00:27:43,288 - Yeah, it's... it's over. 773 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:44,497 - No, it's not. 774 00:27:44,539 --> 00:27:46,142 We are gonna do what they do in the movies. 775 00:27:46,166 --> 00:27:48,126 Go over there tonight, stand on her lawn, 776 00:27:48,168 --> 00:27:50,462 and declare your love for all the world to hear. 777 00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:51,463 - Yeah. 778 00:27:54,299 --> 00:27:56,259 Sorry about that, Officer. Thank you so much. 779 00:27:56,301 --> 00:27:57,927 - Our apologies. Won't happen again. 780 00:27:57,969 --> 00:27:59,596 - Wow, that was so not good. 781 00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:02,098 - Yeah, her dad really did not care that you love her. 782 00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:03,892 - I can't believe I listened to you. 783 00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,435 You fucked this whole thing up, Teddy! 784 00:28:05,477 --> 00:28:07,729 - It's okay, Johnny. We can still salvage this. 785 00:28:07,771 --> 00:28:09,874 All right, there's gonna be a lot of girls at the prom. 786 00:28:09,898 --> 00:28:11,167 We're gonna get you a fake chest. 787 00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:12,108 We'll stick a sock in your pants. 788 00:28:12,150 --> 00:28:14,110 - This isn't just about sex, okay? 789 00:28:14,152 --> 00:28:15,463 How many times do I have to stand here 790 00:28:15,487 --> 00:28:17,530 and tell you, I really like her? 791 00:28:17,572 --> 00:28:18,698 She's wicked cool. 792 00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:19,991 We've got a lot in common. 793 00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:22,077 - Wasn't it pretty much just "Flash Gordon"? 794 00:28:22,118 --> 00:28:23,828 - We could have built off that. 795 00:28:23,870 --> 00:28:24,930 Where am I gonna find another girl 796 00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:26,122 who likes that movie? 797 00:28:26,164 --> 00:28:27,123 I mean, you and me like it, 798 00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:28,434 but that's mostly 'cause of drugs. 799 00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,085 - Okay, look, I fucked up, all right? 800 00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:31,628 But we can still have fun at the prom. 801 00:28:31,670 --> 00:28:34,464 Come on, we'll spike the punch and stuff the ballot box 802 00:28:34,506 --> 00:28:36,966 so a couple of horse-faced kids win King and Queen. 803 00:28:37,008 --> 00:28:38,027 - If you want to go to the prom, 804 00:28:38,051 --> 00:28:39,844 you can do it without me. 805 00:28:39,886 --> 00:28:41,096 - Johnny. 806 00:28:54,901 --> 00:28:56,569 - Come on, hurry up, 807 00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:59,072 before I change my mind. 808 00:28:59,948 --> 00:29:01,199 Oh, my God, that's... 809 00:29:01,241 --> 00:29:03,034 that's the tie you landed on? 810 00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:04,244 - Yeah, what's wrong with it? 811 00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:05,888 - You're wearing a fucking piano tie to prom. 812 00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:07,455 What are you, in an a-ha video? 813 00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,541 - Well, you know, it's kind of hard to tie a bow tie 814 00:29:09,582 --> 00:29:10,709 when you got no fingers. 815 00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:12,377 You look great, by the way. 816 00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:14,254 See? See how easy that is, 817 00:29:14,295 --> 00:29:15,463 to give someone a compliment? 818 00:29:15,505 --> 00:29:20,301 - Oh, look at you two, all dressed up! 819 00:29:20,343 --> 00:29:23,471 Oh, Matty, don't they look nice? 820 00:29:23,513 --> 00:29:25,181 - Yeah. - Blaire, you should 821 00:29:25,223 --> 00:29:27,809 wear girl clothes more often, hon. 822 00:29:27,851 --> 00:29:28,893 - Thanks. 823 00:29:28,935 --> 00:29:30,520 - Is John going too? 824 00:29:30,562 --> 00:29:33,732 - No, he's, uh... he's still pretty upset. 825 00:29:33,773 --> 00:29:36,026 - Oh, no, my baby. 826 00:29:36,067 --> 00:29:39,571 - Matty, why don't you go talk to him? 827 00:29:39,612 --> 00:29:40,655 - Huh? 828 00:29:40,697 --> 00:29:42,240 - Go talk to John. 829 00:29:42,282 --> 00:29:43,366 - What do you mean? 830 00:29:43,408 --> 00:29:44,993 - Oh, my God. Am I speaking Farsi? 831 00:29:45,035 --> 00:29:46,578 Go speak to your son. 832 00:29:46,619 --> 00:29:49,247 Do, like, a, I don't know, father-type thing. 833 00:29:49,289 --> 00:29:51,791 - You know, I remember my junior prom 834 00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,169 and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb. 835 00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:57,297 He was so nervous, he accidentally stabbed me 836 00:29:57,339 --> 00:29:59,632 putting on the corsage. 837 00:29:59,674 --> 00:30:02,260 And I didn't want to make a fuss or anything like that, 838 00:30:02,302 --> 00:30:03,636 so I spent the whole night 839 00:30:03,678 --> 00:30:06,806 with this carnation stuck to my breast. 840 00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:09,476 - Jesus, this fucking story again. 841 00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:11,311 I'll talk to John. 842 00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:16,191 - And then I got sepsis, 843 00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:18,526 and I'm still not allowed to swim. 844 00:30:23,156 --> 00:30:24,800 - Hey, Johnny, wrap it up. I need your help. 845 00:30:24,824 --> 00:30:26,076 - Just started the game. 846 00:30:26,117 --> 00:30:27,243 - Tough shit. 847 00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:28,346 I gotta load our old refrigerator 848 00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:29,329 in the back of the truck, 849 00:30:29,371 --> 00:30:30,955 dump it in the woods. 850 00:30:30,997 --> 00:30:32,457 It's 7:30 at night. 851 00:30:32,499 --> 00:30:34,834 - Yeah. This isn't exactly legal, John. 852 00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:37,295 But I'll be damned if I'm paying for bulky-item pickup. 853 00:30:37,337 --> 00:30:39,130 Besides, it'll be fun for kids to play in. 854 00:30:39,172 --> 00:30:40,882 - Can't we just do it another time? 855 00:30:40,924 --> 00:30:44,010 - Why? It's not like you have anywhere to go, right? 856 00:30:46,262 --> 00:30:47,639 - Dad, I know what you're doing. 857 00:30:47,681 --> 00:30:48,640 - I'm not doing anything. 858 00:30:48,682 --> 00:30:49,974 I just need another set of hands. 859 00:30:50,016 --> 00:30:51,309 - I'm not going to prom! 860 00:30:51,351 --> 00:30:53,770 All right? I... I got dumped. 861 00:30:53,812 --> 00:30:55,188 It'll be too embarrassing. 862 00:31:01,111 --> 00:31:03,363 - Life is a series of embarrassments. 863 00:31:03,405 --> 00:31:05,448 Bosses humiliating you, 864 00:31:05,490 --> 00:31:07,659 your wife nagging you all the time, 865 00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:10,078 going off to fight in the one war 866 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:10,995 where you're the bad guy. 867 00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:12,163 I mean, fuck. 868 00:31:12,205 --> 00:31:13,665 - Is this supposed to be a pep talk? 869 00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:15,834 - All I'm saying is, you only get so many nights 870 00:31:15,875 --> 00:31:17,669 like this one, John. 871 00:31:17,711 --> 00:31:20,380 There are no junior proms when you're an adult. 872 00:31:20,422 --> 00:31:22,215 You miss this one, that's fucking it. 873 00:31:22,257 --> 00:31:24,134 The rest of your life is spending all day 874 00:31:24,175 --> 00:31:25,510 breaking your back, and all night 875 00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:28,805 standing at a toilet, peeing in Morse code. 876 00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,562 All right. 877 00:31:39,315 --> 00:31:41,317 There you go. 878 00:31:48,283 --> 00:31:50,076 - ♪ Rhythm is a dancer ♪ 879 00:31:50,118 --> 00:31:52,162 ♪ It's a soul's companion ♪ 880 00:31:52,203 --> 00:31:55,540 ♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪ 881 00:31:55,582 --> 00:31:57,709 ♪ Lift your hands and voices ♪ 882 00:31:57,751 --> 00:31:59,669 ♪ Free your mind and join us ♪ 883 00:31:59,711 --> 00:32:02,422 - See, this ain't so bad, right? 884 00:32:02,464 --> 00:32:05,884 - Thanks to this, not the worst night of my life. 885 00:32:05,925 --> 00:32:09,637 - Yeah, well, I'm having a nice time with you too. 886 00:32:09,679 --> 00:32:13,099 And the compliment-free evening continues. 887 00:32:13,141 --> 00:32:14,392 Hey, Javier! 888 00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:16,436 Ha! I know that guy. 889 00:32:16,478 --> 00:32:17,896 - No one was looking at you. 890 00:32:17,937 --> 00:32:19,832 - Yeah, it's just... there was... there was the one guy. 891 00:32:19,856 --> 00:32:21,900 - No, I have great eyes, and no one was looking. 892 00:32:21,941 --> 00:32:24,086 - No, it's just... it's this thing we do, the two of us. 893 00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:25,737 Ah, that's so him. 894 00:32:25,779 --> 00:32:27,739 - Have you made any fucking friends this year? 895 00:32:27,781 --> 00:32:29,199 - Uh, not really, no. 896 00:32:32,118 --> 00:32:34,537 - Shit, Ted, look. 897 00:32:36,289 --> 00:32:38,291 - Hey! Hey, Johnny! 898 00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:43,713 - Hey, John. - Hey, buddy. 899 00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:45,882 Hey, hey, you just missed Javier, man. 900 00:32:45,924 --> 00:32:47,175 He was up to his old tricks. 901 00:32:47,217 --> 00:32:48,718 - Shit, again? 902 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:49,779 Man, I really gotta meet that guy. 903 00:32:49,803 --> 00:32:51,388 He sounds awesome. - I know, I... 904 00:32:51,429 --> 00:32:53,282 fuck, he's always just leaving when you get here. 905 00:32:53,306 --> 00:32:55,266 I-I don't... I don't know how that happens. 906 00:32:55,308 --> 00:32:58,228 - Well, listen, man, I... 907 00:32:58,269 --> 00:33:00,230 I'm really sorry for laying into you like that. 908 00:33:00,271 --> 00:33:01,856 - No, man, I'm sorry. 909 00:33:01,898 --> 00:33:04,442 I fucked things up between you and Bethany. 910 00:33:04,484 --> 00:33:06,194 I should have just kept my big mouth shut 911 00:33:06,236 --> 00:33:07,570 and let you be yourself. 912 00:33:07,612 --> 00:33:09,614 - No, man, it's not all your fault. 913 00:33:09,656 --> 00:33:11,741 I didn't have to listen to you. 914 00:33:11,783 --> 00:33:13,493 I made my own choices. 915 00:33:18,873 --> 00:33:21,376 I think I know how to un-fuck things. 916 00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,966 Bethany. Hi. 917 00:33:28,008 --> 00:33:30,218 - John. 918 00:33:30,260 --> 00:33:32,053 Hi. 919 00:33:32,095 --> 00:33:35,390 - So listen, I was wondering 920 00:33:35,432 --> 00:33:40,020 if you'd maybe give me another chance. 921 00:33:40,061 --> 00:33:43,565 - John, look. 922 00:33:43,606 --> 00:33:45,108 I think you're a nice-enough guy, 923 00:33:45,150 --> 00:33:48,361 but you're not the guy for me. 924 00:33:48,403 --> 00:33:49,654 I-I'm just not interested 925 00:33:49,696 --> 00:33:51,322 in being a notch in someone's belt. 926 00:33:51,364 --> 00:33:54,200 - Okay, well, that's what I'm here to tell you. 927 00:33:54,242 --> 00:33:56,870 I've never had sex, okay? 928 00:33:56,911 --> 00:33:59,164 I'm a virgin. I-I said that I had 929 00:33:59,205 --> 00:34:00,307 because I thought it would impress you. 930 00:34:00,331 --> 00:34:01,958 It was stupid. 931 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,169 - So you lied to me? 932 00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:06,004 - Well, yeah. 933 00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,255 I'm sorry. 934 00:34:07,297 --> 00:34:09,007 - How do I know you're not lying now? 935 00:34:09,049 --> 00:34:10,258 - I'm not. I'm not. 936 00:34:10,300 --> 00:34:11,551 I swear to God. 937 00:34:14,262 --> 00:34:16,222 And I think I can prove it. 938 00:34:20,060 --> 00:34:21,436 Excuse me. 939 00:34:21,478 --> 00:34:23,271 I need that mic. I got something to say. 940 00:34:23,313 --> 00:34:25,982 - Sorry, it's against the rules... 941 00:34:26,024 --> 00:34:27,901 unless it's for true love. 942 00:34:27,942 --> 00:34:28,942 - It is. 943 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,033 - Go get her. 944 00:34:36,451 --> 00:34:37,511 Hi. Hi, every... 945 00:34:37,535 --> 00:34:38,596 Oh, that's loud. Hi, everyone. 946 00:34:38,620 --> 00:34:40,705 Excuse me. Excuse me. 947 00:34:40,747 --> 00:34:42,707 Sorry for the interruption. I, uh, 948 00:34:42,749 --> 00:34:46,044 uh, just have a real quick question. 949 00:34:46,086 --> 00:34:48,755 Who here has had sex with me? 950 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,385 Nobody. 951 00:34:53,426 --> 00:34:54,928 You want to know why? 952 00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,889 Because I'm a virgin. 953 00:34:57,931 --> 00:34:59,933 I was too embarrassed to admit it until tonight, 954 00:34:59,974 --> 00:35:02,060 but it's the truth. 955 00:35:02,102 --> 00:35:03,561 And you know what? 956 00:35:03,603 --> 00:35:06,064 I bet I'm not alone. 957 00:35:06,106 --> 00:35:09,359 I bet there are more of you out there just like me, 958 00:35:09,401 --> 00:35:11,236 so let's stop being embarrassed 959 00:35:11,277 --> 00:35:13,363 and let our voices be heard. 960 00:35:13,405 --> 00:35:15,365 Who out there is a virgin? 961 00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:25,250 - Nerd! 962 00:35:25,291 --> 00:35:26,852 - What the fuck? - What? He was drowning. 963 00:35:26,876 --> 00:35:28,420 No sense in me going down with him. 964 00:35:45,145 --> 00:35:46,980 - Hey. Hey, John, wait up! 965 00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:53,653 I can't believe you just did that. 966 00:35:53,695 --> 00:35:55,363 - Oh. Yeah, it was pretty stupid. 967 00:35:55,405 --> 00:35:57,907 Yeah, very stupid. 968 00:35:59,284 --> 00:36:01,286 But it took guts. 969 00:36:01,327 --> 00:36:02,787 - Well, I mean, 970 00:36:02,829 --> 00:36:05,457 it's not like my social life could get any worse. 971 00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:08,418 Well... 972 00:36:08,460 --> 00:36:09,961 you want to know a secret? 973 00:36:10,003 --> 00:36:11,963 - What? 974 00:36:12,005 --> 00:36:16,259 - You're not the only person at this school who hasn't... 975 00:36:16,301 --> 00:36:17,719 you know. 976 00:36:17,761 --> 00:36:19,137 Wait. 977 00:36:19,179 --> 00:36:21,348 Wait, you're a virgin too? 978 00:36:21,389 --> 00:36:23,641 - Mm-hmm. 979 00:36:23,683 --> 00:36:25,894 - You know, I don't think I believe you. 980 00:36:25,935 --> 00:36:27,270 - What? - I think you gotta 981 00:36:27,312 --> 00:36:28,539 get up and tell the whole school. 982 00:36:28,563 --> 00:36:30,607 - Yeah, no thanks. I'm not an idiot. 983 00:36:30,648 --> 00:36:32,067 - Oh, you sure? Why not? 984 00:36:32,108 --> 00:36:34,235 It's a great feeling. I can't recommend it enough. 985 00:36:37,572 --> 00:36:39,324 Do you want to get out of here? 986 00:36:39,366 --> 00:36:42,827 Maybe hang at my house? 987 00:36:42,869 --> 00:36:45,580 My dad and his girlfriend are out for the night. 988 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,333 - Sure. 989 00:36:50,043 --> 00:36:53,004 - ♪ And I swear ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪ 990 00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:01,846 ♪ I'll be there ♪ - ♪ I'll be there ♪ 991 00:37:01,888 --> 00:37:04,057 - ♪ I swear ♪ - ♪ And I swear ♪ 992 00:37:04,099 --> 00:37:06,059 - I think those two might just make it. 993 00:37:06,101 --> 00:37:07,894 - Yeah, I think so too. 994 00:37:09,104 --> 00:37:11,106 - Well, now what? - One of the goth kids 995 00:37:11,147 --> 00:37:12,607 in the parking lot gave me a pill. 996 00:37:12,649 --> 00:37:14,418 I got no idea what it is. You want to split it? 997 00:37:14,442 --> 00:37:16,653 - ♪ For better or worse ♪ 998 00:37:16,695 --> 00:37:18,571 ♪ Till death do us part ♪ 999 00:37:18,613 --> 00:37:22,283 - ♪ Uh, yeah, talk to me, yeah ♪ 1000 00:37:22,325 --> 00:37:24,786 ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪ 1001 00:37:24,828 --> 00:37:26,162 ♪ What a mighty good man ♪ 1002 00:37:26,204 --> 00:37:28,206 ♪ He's a mighty, mighty good man ♪ 1003 00:37:28,248 --> 00:37:30,291 ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪ 1004 00:37:30,333 --> 00:37:31,936 ♪ What a mighty good man ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 1005 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,713 What are you doing back there? 1006 00:37:34,754 --> 00:37:36,923 - Trying to unhook your bra. 1007 00:37:36,965 --> 00:37:39,759 - Well, if there was any doubt about your being a virgin... 1008 00:37:43,138 --> 00:37:44,639 - Ah! Ah, shit, all right. 1009 00:37:44,681 --> 00:37:47,308 I think I tore it, and I might have fucking cut myself. 1010 00:37:47,350 --> 00:37:49,310 - Here, why don't I get it? 1011 00:37:49,352 --> 00:37:52,147 Um, do you have a condom? 1012 00:37:52,188 --> 00:37:53,314 - Yeah. Yeah, a grown-up 1013 00:37:53,356 --> 00:37:54,875 at the pharmacy helped me pick one out. 1014 00:37:54,899 --> 00:37:55,817 - What? 1015 00:37:55,859 --> 00:37:57,569 - Nothing. Uh, yeah. 1016 00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:59,195 Yeah, I got one. 1017 00:37:59,237 --> 00:38:03,950 - Good, 'cause I think we should have sex. 1018 00:38:03,992 --> 00:38:05,160 - Really? 1019 00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:08,329 Holy shit, Blaire was right. 1020 00:38:08,371 --> 00:38:09,581 - Huh? - Nothing. 1021 00:38:09,622 --> 00:38:12,375 Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready. 1022 00:38:12,417 --> 00:38:13,769 - ♪ 'Cause his mama taught him that ♪ 1023 00:38:13,793 --> 00:38:15,045 - ♪ I got a good man ♪ 1024 00:38:15,086 --> 00:38:16,646 - ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪ 1025 00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:18,882 ♪ What a mighty good man ♪ 1026 00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,216 ♪ A mighty, mighty good man ♪ 1027 00:38:20,258 --> 00:38:22,302 ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪ 1028 00:38:22,344 --> 00:38:24,512 ♪ What a mighty good man ♪ 1029 00:38:24,554 --> 00:38:26,890 - ♪ Yes, he is ♪ - ♪ What a man, what a man ♪ 1030 00:38:29,434 --> 00:38:30,727 - Oh, my God! - What? What? 1031 00:38:30,769 --> 00:38:32,187 What's wrong? - Look! 1032 00:38:32,228 --> 00:38:34,272 - Police are in pursuit of a white Bronco 1033 00:38:34,314 --> 00:38:37,150 presumed to be the vehicle of OJ Simpson. 1034 00:38:37,192 --> 00:38:39,652 Now, as you can see there, it's traveling very slowly... 1035 00:38:39,694 --> 00:38:41,196 - Holy shit! 1036 00:38:41,237 --> 00:38:43,031 - Yeah. Yeah, that's really something. 1037 00:38:43,073 --> 00:38:45,450 - Fuck! Does this mean he actually did do it? 1038 00:38:45,492 --> 00:38:46,743 - Speaking of doing it... 1039 00:38:46,785 --> 00:38:47,970 - Where do you think he's going? 1040 00:38:47,994 --> 00:38:49,788 And why are they driving so slow? 1041 00:38:49,829 --> 00:38:51,623 - I'm sure the LAPD has its best men on it. 1042 00:38:51,664 --> 00:38:52,624 - I mean, he must have done it, right? 1043 00:38:52,665 --> 00:38:53,833 Why else is he running? 1044 00:38:53,875 --> 00:38:55,543 - Times like these, all we can really do 1045 00:38:55,585 --> 00:38:56,961 is hold each other close. - Fuck! 1046 00:38:57,003 --> 00:38:59,714 I mean, he was Nordberg in "The Naked Gun," 1047 00:38:59,756 --> 00:39:01,257 and now he might be a murderer? 1048 00:39:01,299 --> 00:39:03,968 - I think Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman would 1049 00:39:04,010 --> 00:39:06,096 really want us to make the most of this night. 1050 00:39:06,137 --> 00:39:09,307 - And now we're hearing reports that he has a gun. 1051 00:39:09,349 --> 00:39:12,310 - Oh, my God. 1052 00:39:12,352 --> 00:39:15,647 I don't think this is gonna have a happy ending. 1053 00:39:15,689 --> 00:39:17,649 - No fucking shit. 1054 00:39:17,691 --> 00:39:19,317 - To repeat, he is believed... 1055 00:39:22,028 --> 00:39:25,740 - It's just like what happened with my parents and Nixon. 1056 00:39:25,782 --> 00:39:27,951 Oh. Oh, my God. 1057 00:39:27,992 --> 00:39:29,828 Oh, my God, I'm my mother. 1058 00:39:29,869 --> 00:39:31,746 - Well, your mother actually had sex, 1059 00:39:31,788 --> 00:39:34,541 so that comparison doesn't really work. 1060 00:39:34,582 --> 00:39:36,209 But at least you got a girlfriend now. 1061 00:39:36,251 --> 00:39:38,545 - Eh, sort of. 1062 00:39:38,586 --> 00:39:40,547 - Whoa, what do you mean, "sort of"? 1063 00:39:40,588 --> 00:39:42,882 - Bethany's spending the summer in Italy. 1064 00:39:42,924 --> 00:39:44,134 She's leaving tomorrow. 1065 00:39:44,175 --> 00:39:45,927 - Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. 1066 00:39:45,969 --> 00:39:48,388 That vagina's gonna be right where you left it. 1067 00:39:48,430 --> 00:39:49,889 - You think so? - Oh, yeah, 1068 00:39:49,931 --> 00:39:52,350 Italian guys are famous for their sexual restraint 1069 00:39:52,392 --> 00:39:54,144 and respect for women. 1070 00:39:54,185 --> 00:39:56,312 - Oh, you were saying... - I was saying the opposite. 1071 00:39:56,354 --> 00:39:57,832 - You were doing a bit. You were doing, like, 1072 00:39:57,856 --> 00:39:58,916 a bit, like an opposite thing. - I was saying the thing 1073 00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:00,084 they don't do. - You motherfucker. 1074 00:40:00,108 --> 00:40:02,027 - Yeah. 1075 00:40:02,068 --> 00:40:03,987 - Man, junior year was weird, huh? 1076 00:40:04,029 --> 00:40:05,989 - Yeah, it sucked, no doubt about it. 1077 00:40:06,031 --> 00:40:07,490 - Yeah. 1078 00:40:07,532 --> 00:40:09,159 But you know what? 1079 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,369 Would've sucked way worse without you, buddy. 1080 00:40:11,411 --> 00:40:12,704 - Thanks, man. 1081 00:40:12,746 --> 00:40:15,040 That touches me deeply... 1082 00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:16,934 which is what's gonna happen to Bethany in Italy. 1083 00:40:16,958 --> 00:40:18,227 Sorry. Sorry. - Oh, you motherfucker. 1084 00:40:18,251 --> 00:40:19,478 - That was the last one. - Like, seriously though? 1085 00:40:19,502 --> 00:40:20,462 - I know you're hurting. That was the last one. 1086 00:40:20,503 --> 00:40:22,339 Last one. 1087 00:40:22,380 --> 00:40:24,382 - I wonder what senior year's gonna be like. 1088 00:40:24,424 --> 00:40:25,884 - I don't know. 1089 00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,719 But you know what? I say we make it great. 1090 00:40:27,761 --> 00:40:29,554 Really turn our lives around, you know? 1091 00:40:29,596 --> 00:40:31,931 - Yeah. Yeah, like actually do all 1092 00:40:31,973 --> 00:40:33,951 the summer reading and shit, like, show up prepared. 1093 00:40:33,975 --> 00:40:36,037 - Yeah, maybe even get a jump on our college applications. 1094 00:40:36,061 --> 00:40:38,355 - Yeah. That sounds great. 1095 00:40:38,396 --> 00:40:40,106 First thing tomorrow. 1096 00:40:41,649 --> 00:40:43,610 Looks like it might rain. 1097 00:40:43,651 --> 00:40:45,236 Jesus fucking Christ! 1098 00:40:45,278 --> 00:40:47,072 - Fucking shit! Why does it have to do that? 1099 00:40:47,113 --> 00:40:49,240 - Oh, my God, it's so fucking scary. 1100 00:40:49,282 --> 00:40:51,326 - I hate the thunder! - Fuck you, thunder! 1101 00:40:51,368 --> 00:40:53,411 - Yeah, you can suck my dick! 1102 00:40:53,453 --> 00:40:54,996 - Oh, my God, Teddy. 1103 00:40:55,038 --> 00:40:56,265 You thinking what I'm thinking? 1104 00:40:56,289 --> 00:40:57,791 - Get the guitar. 1105 00:41:34,661 --> 00:41:38,998 - ♪ Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful ♪ 1106 00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:42,252 ♪ And yet, alas, that someone adores you ♪ 1107 00:41:43,878 --> 00:41:47,549 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 1108 00:41:47,590 --> 00:41:50,093 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 1109 00:41:50,135 --> 00:41:53,596 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 1110 00:41:53,638 --> 00:41:57,017 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 1111 00:41:57,058 --> 00:42:03,058 ♪ But you just don't care 'cause your ♪ 1112 00:42:03,148 --> 00:42:05,358 ♪ Best friend is me ♪